Jim Gaffigan on the “complex process” of keeping his kids’ cellphones charged

There are simple annoyances in modern life. We’ve all woken up to discover our cellphone which had been charging overnight was, well, not charging overnight. And is dead. Or almost dead. Either way, an existential panic sets in. “Oh, no! How will your day go on without your phone? Is it even possible to go about your day without a charged phone?”

For most of us, the memory of discovering an uncharged phone is seared into our consciousness. Most of us. Just not my children.

Yes, my beautiful, intelligent children struggle with keeping a phone charged.

Well, I shouldn’t say struggle; they make no effort.

To clarify, when say I children, I’m not talking about toddlers or newborns. I’m talking about teenage human-like creatures who somehow possess the ability to make Nintendo and Roblox purchases with my credit card, but somehow can’t figure out how to insert a lightning cord connected to an outlet into a phone.

After repeatedly explaining the “complex process” of charging a cellphone to my “brilliant” children, my wife and I caved and bought some portable chargers. These are external batteries one can grab and use when someone “forgets” to charge their phone overnight. These external batteries were charged the night before, you know, how a logical person might charge their phone.

Anyway, my kids then take these external batteries, charge their phones, and lose them throughout New York City.

If I’m not painting enough of a maddening scenario, you should know this: On numerous occasions I’ve discovered my “brilliant” children sitting in their room near an outlet, using a portable external charger to charge their phone.

The outlet is right there! With a phone charger plugged into the wall! But instead they are using a portable charger which is…

Anyway, I love being a dad.

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