At one point in this oddly gripping three-part Disney+ documentary, Coleen Rooney lightly complains that no one took the Wagatha Christie trial seriously. That the media and the public, the pundits and the people, the cats in their baskets and the dogs on the streets all saw it as an entertainment, a circus, a bit of sport; one big, hot popcorn-munching mess. Guilty as charged, your honour.
Yet if that were true then, is it still the case now? The sombre pace of this mini-series, laden with portent and the kind of eerie music played in Disney’s The Little Mermaid when Ursula the evil sea witch appears from behind an enemy anemone, tells a different story.
In pink cashmere, with her hair wrapped up in a duchessy chignon, Coleen inducts us into the Wagatha plotline. She calmly explains how and why she turned amateur online sleuth to discover who was leaking stories from her private Instagram to The Sun.
‘It’s… Rebekah Vardy’s account,’ revealed this mistress of the ellipses in 2019, unleashing a series of events that would end up in the High Court. The fix was in, but the fall out was spectacular.
‘It was the beginning of one of the most horriblest times I have ever been through in my life,’ says Coleen. Yes, even worse than husband Wayne’s historic indulgences with drink, auld slappers and sundry other women over the years. ‘When he has been drinking, he is a totally different person,’ is her meek explanation here. ‘Some mistakes are harder to forgive than others,’ she tells viewers.
As this is Coleen’s story told by Coleen, it is no surprise that she is portrayed here as the innocent Disney princess in all her Little Mermaid glory
Vardy denied all allegations, sued Rooney for libel and thumpingly lost the case
Meanwhile, Vardy denied all allegations, sued Rooney for libel and thumpingly lost the case. That should have been the end of it, but of course it was only the beginning. ‘This is my story to tell,’ says Coleen, who is telling it at length in this documentary, on chat shows and in a new autobiography called My Account, published next month. To Coleen’s credit, there is no trace of malice nor triumphalism in her version of these sorry events, although she is clearly not a woman to be crossed, especially when her family are involved. ‘It was so sneaky, it was so cheeky,’ she huffs.
In each episode we glimpse the undeniable loneliness of the long-distance Wag, despite the comfort provided by endless luxury and fur-lined Gucci loafers. And with four small sons and a toddler of a husband to contend with, Coleen organises the home front with admirable zeal; Post-it notes, pre-packed schoolbags, children’s names painted on their enamelled mugs and a loving instruction here and there. ‘Shurrup, Wayne,’ she tells him, when the former England captain suggests a line of questioning to her lawyers.
Is three episodes one too many? Not for me. I can’t get enough of expensive Rooney cars roaring up the Rooney driveway to the extraordinary Rooney McMansion in Cheshire; a moneyed arcadia where the trees are spot-lit, the topiary precision clipped and the lake accessorised with a fringe of reeds, possibly by Versace. The windows gleam on the enormous Edwardian-style house itself, with its homely ‘The Rooney Family’ doormat, savannahs of white marble and colossal five-man fridge. At the centre of the home, glittering like the cold heart of a diamond, is Wayne’s museum-quality, glass trophy room.
This is the kernel that brought the peachy lifestyle, but Coleen is impressively unimpressed. ‘There is a goalie who has got more caps I think,’ she says, gesturing towards one cabinet. She vaguely wonders if some of the medals could do with a bit of a dust.
As this is Coleen’s story told by Coleen, it is no surprise that she is portrayed here as the innocent Disney princess in all her Little Mermaid glory, with Rebekah Vardy depicted as the unspeakable Ursula, the villain of the piece. But be serious, how could it be any other way? From her mean-girl texts about Coleen, to the redacted messages to the phone conveniently dropped in the North Sea, Vardy’s case just did not stand up in court. Interestingly, she makes no direct contribution to this documentary, but what could she possibly say in her own defence? ‘OMG OMG OMG,’ perhaps, judging by the tenor of most of her texts.
Coleen Rooney never wanted to go to court over such a ‘pathetic reason’
Coleen Rooney never wanted to go to court over such a ‘pathetic reason’ but when she learnt the alternative would be to pay Vardy damages and make a public apology, she dug her Prada heels in and went all the way to trial.
‘I say to my kids, always tell the truth,’ she explains. This has echoes of Gwyneth Paltrow’s ski-crash trial earlier this year, when the actress went to court to fight an opportunistic £2million claim that she had skied into a 76-year-old man, causing him injury and cascading medical issues. Her children were skiing with her at the time and Paltrow, who won the case, believed she had to stand up for truth and set an example to them. Coleen Rooney clearly feels much the same way.
‘For me, getting justice for telling the truth is the most important thing,’ says our very own dimpled heroine, a little mermaid for the age.
Then off she swims back to her comforting sea of Post-it notes and social media postings, a victory lap that is entirely deserved.
